I haven’t written in months! Writing is one of those things that sets me on fire and calms my racing spirit all at the same time. For a long time I used this blog for work, for fitness but I felt like there were things I couldn’t write about. What would my readers think? Was it work appropriate? I have now separated my work site from my personal blog. You can now go here for fitness and wellness Nelao. That is where all fitness and wellness related posts can be found.
Here I can uncensor myself.
I’m about to rip my heart open. Wide open.
There are so many broken people walking around and I believe it is because we are so afraid to truly face ourselves. This blog is a space for me to do just that. Its my place to come and undress. To be vulnerable, to go to the deep dark corners of self that most of us are afraid to venture into. Get naked on such a public platform? You’re probably wondering why. To paraphrase Brene Brown, I believe that vulnerability is the birthplace for true human connection. We are so disconnected.
Connection, the one thing I crave the most but also the one thing that terrifies me the most. I crave connection on its deepest level. I want to look you in the eye, place my hand on your heart and feel everything that you are. I want to just sit there with you. Just to be there with you.
I want so badly to feel your heart and soul because mine is a little broken.
I had never been much of a cheerful child, a bit moody if you ask me, but I had big dreams. I was so hopeful about life and the future. I remember the exact day that light was dimmed. A large part of me died that day. A year later I was sitting on a therapist couch my first semester of college, telling her what happened that day. She looked at me and said “Nelao, you were raped”.
Time and life carried on but I would for a very long time be a prisoner of that day.
Fast forward to today. My heart is still broken. Broken a few more times after for various reasons, but I’ll talk about that in later blogs.
My rape has made connecting with people very difficult. I don’t trust people not to hurt me. I will do anything and everything at all costs to prevent that from happening (including running thousands of miles between countries, dating men that can’t truly love me, settling for mediocrity, the list goes on but all that is a story for another day).
I’m ready to continue my healing.
These writings are of my healing: Post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, learning to unconditionally love myself, transparency, learning to not give a fuck and living authentically from my heart-space.
I want my life to be a masterpiece. A work of art, cracks and all. My pain can be my saving grace.
I’m going to do my best to not censor myself. My perfectionism is crippling. I don’t have the kind of perfectionism that brings success. My perfectionism keeps me frozen and afraid to do anything. I so badly want to do it perfectly that I don’t do anything at all in fear of fucking up. As I sit here I’m judging myself in so many ways, like, who cares? I want to crawl back into shell, smile and pretend to be everything you want me to be so you can like me.
This blog is first and foremost for myself, however, I know there are a lot of people that share my struggles. I see you. I feel you. I hear you. You are not alone. You are not broken. You are not crazy. You’re actually the most amazing person you’ve ever met.
I’m excited to be writing again. I’m excited to start being creative again. I’m excited about the brutiful (brutal and beautiful) mess that is life.
If you’re still reading this, I’m impressed that I haven’t scared you away yet. I’m going to go burn some incense, light a candle and listen to some Maxwell. I’ll write again soon.