In Surrender, I No Longer Give a F*ck
The original title for this post was going to be ‘Dear God(dess) I surrender’. It’s still a post about surrender but if curse words make you uncomfortable, you should probably skip this one. Here goes… How it is that one person can run so passionately from herself? I wish I used the same amount of energy I spend hating myself as I did doing great and productive things.
I have been running for a long time, trying to find all kinds of ways to ruin my own life. I plead with God: Why can’t you choose someone else please. Someone braver and strong and prettier (I don’t know what looks have to do with anything. I just imagine that the person you want to do the thing you’re asking me to do is extremely beautiful).
I’m ready to stop running now.
Why would you choose me God? Do you know how ragged and broken I am?
You whisper at me when I’m alone. I hear you but I don’t feel worthy.
I was in the shower the other day. I was doing this thing I do when I’m really frustrated and things are not going the way I think they should be going. I rip myself apart. My brain starts looking for all the times in my life when I failed so I can confirm that the reason things are not going well is because I’m a loser. I said all the usual things: ‘you suck’, ‘you can’t do anything right’, ‘nobody loves you’. This goes on and on. I catch myself then I stop.
The more positive, more loving part of me has learned to come to my rescue when I need her. She nurses me back to health. It’s ok she says. I’m ok.
No matter how much I try to choke down my voice, my spirit hears your call to soar.
I always thought that the way your purpose comes to you is like this: It’s a normal day, you’re struggling through life as we all are then magically, this cloud comes over you, the puffiest clouds part to reveal the voice of God. In his/her all majestic voice, your purpose is revealed to you. From that moment on you know what you are here on earth to do and you go on to live a magical purposeful life.
I was wrong.
You’ve planted this vision inside me and it’s so big and so clear that nothing else is an option.
I just never thought I deserved anything good. I still don’t actually but somehow life keeps proving me wrong. In spite of all the crappy things that have happened in my life I look around and I’m amazed at the life I get to live.
The thing about a calling is that it will find you no matter where you hide. You can hide in false inadequacy, mediocrity, drugs and alcohol, self pity and all the excuses in the world but it will find you. It starts as a soft little whisper then it gets louder. It will get louder and louder and louder until its yelling at you and you have no choice but to listen.
I was put on this earth to live an authentically fully expressed life. I know that my mission is to transform lives through sharing my journey: combining authentic self expression, my passion for fitness, holistic health and life balance. That’s it. That’s my happy place.
You too have a purpose. Do you have a little (or annoyingly loud) voice you are ignoring? I whole heartedly believe that we are put on this earth to experience life to the fullest. We come to this life baring a special gift and it is your responsibility to share that gift with the world.
I ran because I was afraid.
In the words of Mark Mansion: I was afraid because I was giving way too many fucks! (If you haven’t read the book go get it now, I’m only on page 20 and it’s already changed my life).
Here’s a list of things I will no longer give any fucks about, you should stop too:
I will no longer give a fuck about being afraid to fail. The last year and a half in business has taught me that failure is how we learn. You are going to fail a TON. I have failed so many times on this journey but I am very happy with all the progress I have made. None of that progress would have happened if I had not failed. Nelao Nengola, failing forward since 1987.
I will no longer give a fuck about who likes or doesn’t like. I’m sure there’s someone reading this blog post right now who probably can’t stand me. Not everyone is going to like me and I’m tired of trying to please everyone. I’ve walked on eggshells most of my life, afraid to ruffle feathers. I wanted to be considered “nice”, perfect and liked by everyone. I would bend over backwards for people, never saying no. That’s not realistic and its hell’a tiring. I’m not nice all the time, I make mistakes, I can be an asshole and I’m ok with that. The people I will focus my energy on are those who love and embrace me. I will focus my time of loving them back because they are the ones who really matter.
I will no longer give a fuck about a little pain and struggle. The truth is things are not supposed to be fine and dandy all the time. When you expect them to be you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache and unnecessary suffering. Things will suck sometimes and that is ok. A little pain and struggle builds us and makes us stronger. Yes I’ve been through some really shitty things but so have a lot of other people in the world. I will use that pain and struggle to fuel my dreams and aspirations.
Lastly I will no longer give a fuck about making a fool of myself. This is by far one of my biggest fears. I’m afraid of looking like an idiot. My fear of looking like an idiot holds me back from initiating conversation with people that could be really awesome connections, from initiating business propositions, from asking a crush to coffee, from letting loose on the dance floor and from writing really important difficult things. My fear of making a fool of myself keeps me from fully showing up in the world.
When you don’t give a fuck about things that don’t matter, you have more fucks to give about the really important things in life.
I’m tired of being so paralyzed by my fear of life.
I will stop running now.
I will do the work. I will show up and I will dive headfirst into the things I care about. I will probably fall on my face a few times but that’s ok because I no longer give a fuck (and neither should you).