I was having a rough day. Emotions and feelings were running high. I was feeling a little lonely and feeling a little rejected. My place to go when I’m feeling this way is usually total numbness. I could just pretend I have no feelings at all. But no. I’m doing something different remember, I thought to myself. Ok Fine, i’ll get present. How I’m feeling. Urg, that sentence is the theme of my life right now, How am I feeling? Awareness. Awareness. Awareness. Self awareness to be exact.
How am I feeling? I’m feeling alone. I’m feeling like I want to run away (this is usually how I feel when I’m stressed/angry/hurt/[insert any difficult emotion here]. Should I ask someone if they want to hangout? No, I’m feeling a little crappy and down so I’m not sure if I would be the best company.
What is it that I want in this moment? I want to feel loved. I want to feel cared for and valued. I’m supposed to be learning to love myself and provide myself my own needs right? Why don’t I use this opportunity to do that!? (That makes it sound like I was way more enthused about it than I actually was. In reality it was me whining to myself). I want to make myself feel worthy so I’ll take myself on a date!
I am now sitting in Lucky Strikes by myself, downtown Chicago, journaling while I wait to go to the movies by myself. I’m actually really excited it.
[There is a cute boy sitting behind me….ohhh, never mind his lady friend just walked in. Of course she did because a pretty boy would not be sitting in Lucky Strikes at 6:30pm by himself, unlike me. Whatever, back to my me time, I don’t like pretty boys anyway]
I continued to write about the type of man I attract. I’m pretty sure I keep attracting men who are emotionally unavailable. There is a reason for that but that’s for another day.
Its now 10:10pm. The movie ended, I walked around downtown and now I’m sitting at a different bar, still by myself.
The movie was ok. I saw ‘The Perfect Guy’ Its exactly what you would think it was going to be. Michael Ealy played crazy a little too well. From now on I will need to do background checks, verify family and friends, and take fingerprints before I go on a date because stalking is a real thing.
Back to reflections.
I started out all confident then as the night went along I had brief moments of discomfort. There were a lot of couples. I don’t know if it was that or if it just stood out to me because I was flying solo. It was very interesting. Did I feel uncomfortable becauss I felt like I was supposed to be with someone? Was I only selfconsious when people noticed I was alone? I kept thinking that they thought I was waiting for someone. In my head I felt way more judged by the women and thought the guys just thought I was waiting for someone.
I liked that I was on my own time. I had no ones feelings to consider. I got to pick a movie that I wanted to see. I got to pick when I wanted to see it. I got to pick where i wanted to sit. I put my feet up on the chair and ate the snacks I snuck in as loudly and as out of order as I wanted to.
This bar is louder and there were way more people. I don’t feel odd or anything. Maybe its because i’m doing something. I hear all the noise and sounds around me but I also still feel present in myself. I’m still in my own little bubble. The noise is comforting in a weird way. I want to have this feeling when I am around people I know too, to be amongst people I know and still feel within myself. I don’t know if that makes sense. [A girl just walked in and she smells like garlic].
As my night wraps up I’m thinking back to how I was feeling before my solo date. I wanted to feel loved. When someone loves you they show up. They want to talk about it. They want to make you feel reassured when things are a little rocky. They don’t say fuck it. I’m learning more about what I want. I don’t just want someone who thinks I’m pretty or that I have a nice body or that I’m “nice”. I want someone who will fall in love with my scars too. All of me. Someone who will embrace my weaknesses and sooth my vulnerabilities. Someone who’s real, raw, kind and gentle. That is what I need.
Would I go out on a date with me again? Yes, I had a great time with myself. Self dates will have to become a regular thing. Once a week? That sounds about right. I mean, if you’re dating someone you should be seeing them at least once a week right? Right.
Have you ever gone out on a self date? If so tell me about it!