I cannot believe its new year’s eve already, It was just the beginning of 2015. I came into this year a hot mess and still am a hot mess. I’m just a little better at owning my hot mess-ness. Actually, I’m starting to be friends with my mess. Let me explain.
I used to be one of those people who pretended like everything was perfectly fine all the time. Failure and frowns meant weakness and I could not be seen as weak. But, there’s a problem with shoving all your problems in the closet, under the bed or in a giant balloon for years. One day that shiny pretty purple balloon is going to burst.
It will and it did.
I remember vividly when my balloon burst. Even when it burst and my figurative house was on fire, I was still trying to pretend like shit was ok. Shit was not ok.
My life started to unravel. And then I hit bottom (well what I thought was bottom). I know now that there is no such thing as bottom. There is only who you are and where you are at that moment. It can always be worse and it can always be better so just own it.
Own who you are and where you are in life, with all your mess.
Be real with yourself. I did a lot of journaling and I also went to therapy. I am an advocate for therapy but I also believe that you have everything within you to heal yourself. You also have friends and family, those who you trust because “not everyone deserves to hear your shame story” said Brene Brown.
I’ll go first:
I’m great at distracting myself from important things, especially difficult conversations. Although I am a very loving person I don’t know how to accept love. My choice in romantic interests has been questionable at times to those around me as a result. I have poor self-worth. I am extremely self-critical and I have control issues but I’m great at hiding them. The one thing I truly believe in is connection but it is the one thing I’m most afraid of.
What I struggled to understand about myself was that I knew my potential. I knew my destiny. I was kinda like that dog in that saying. The dog that was sitting on the nail. He howled and cried but never got off the nail. “He will get up and move when he gets uncomfortable enough” the dog’s owner said. I had to get uncomfortable in order for my life to change. I think 2015 was my year of discomfort. I got uncomfortable.
Getting out of my comfort zone meant actually living!
I made terrible decisions. I spent money I shouldn’t have on things that made my heart smile. I experienced levels of brokenness I didn’t know existed. I moved into a beautiful studio apartment that was probably above my means but I went to bed feeling luxurious every night. I got my heart broken. I went out and partied, the kind of partying you see on tv. I talked to strangers. I danced with strangers. I pushed my limits mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I spent a lot of time by myself. I went on dates. I kissed boys (and a couple girls). I gave my time to people that I shouldn’t have. I was in places I shouldn’t have been. I did things I shouldn’t have. I stood up for myself. I slacked. I travelled. I made some very real, very difficult decisions. I got vulnerable with people which opened the door to authentic and true connection. I left the comfort zone of isolation and moved back home. I cried a lot in 2015 but I also laughed the most that I have laughed in a long time!
The most important part of 2015 was me getting real with my mess. The real and true ugly parts of myself. I embraced myself. I especially embraced my mess. I’m not perfect and I don’t want to be.
I’m ok with the fact that I’m one of the most sensitive people I know. I can be disorganized but I’m usually really good at getting my shit together. I curse, quite a lot actually. I can be antisocial but I’ve also been told that I make a great wing woman (I reserve my flirty social self for friendship duty only). I’m quirky and quiet and it takes a really long time for me to open up. If you don’t have time to wait I’m ok with that. I respect my spirit and allow it the time, pace and space it needs. I vow from now on to show up only as who I am whole heartedly and authentically. Mess and all.
I allow me to reintroduce myself.
My name is Nelao.
I’m ready for you 2016.