About two weekends ago I made an attempt to go out. I actually went out. I was around some really cool people and I was like “yea this is great, I’m out, I’m meeting people this is great!”
I started to get this tinge of anxiety but I was determined to ignore it. I thought “look anxiety, chill. We’re fine. We are just doing something a little different than usual. Everyone here seems really nice and fun and interesting. We’re safe, so I need you to chill the fuck out so we can have fun”.
As the night went on I could feel the stupid anxiety grow bigger and bigger. It was starting to take over my chest. I was starting to get the feeling that I was about to have an anxiety attack.
I’ve become so in tuned with my body that it just refuses to let me bullshit myself. It’s gotten harder to numb my feelings. It’s harder to lie to myself when before I was so great at it. I was the pro and putting on a happy face. The more honest and real you become with yourself the harder it becomes to fall for your own crap.
I ended up having to go home (after much thought and prompting from my off-the-chain she’s-the-real -deal coach.
I just needed to be alone to process.
I thought I had already dealt with this though, I should be fine. Ok maybe I haven’t. Yes it was still disappointing stuff from my last post but also some disappointing stuff in the recent past. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I feel like an idiot, I’m stressed and I’m tired.
Those are a lot of emotions but what is at the core? What am I really feeling?
Abandonment and Rejection.
I don’t know about you but these are the big ones for me. I have such a hard time dealing with these two emotions. These are the ones that I would choose to numb and lie about. These are the ones that make self medicating, running and deflecting (even though more painful) sound like a coping mechanisms I’m ok juggling.
Abandonment and rejection tear me to pieces. This is because they are directly tied to my deepest, most self destructive limiting belief: I am not enough.
When you reject and abandon me, all I hear is that I am not enough.
In your betrayal what I heard was: I’m not a good enough to love. I’m not good enough to choose. I’m not good enough to honor. I’m not good enough to respect. I’m not good enough to not betray. I’m not good enough to not hurt.
I spent that weekend crying, a lot. I needed to cry. I cried two weeks before that and the week before that. Damn! I cried a lot in February and March. It was needed. Sometimes it has to get a little worse before it gets better.
Fast forward to today, a week after my anxiety attack and purging cries, I feel really good! I feel like I’m on an upswing emotionally. There was a lot of trapped emotions there and everything that happened over the last month and a half served the purpose of cleaning all that old stuff out. I’m a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason and that experience is here to teach us a lesson.
It’s April first. It’s a new month, a new quarter and I’m ready to get back up and kill it! (lol, kill is such a violent word, I need to find another word to express my determination to succeed).
Back to the abandonment and rejection.
Is it really I really feel like I’m not good enough for that person? Do I really feel abandoned by that person? Let’s explore the deeper levels. It’s always deeper than we think.
In reflection with my highest self, I have to be honest and admit that it’s not about them. It’s never about them. The truth is I don’t feel good enough for myself. I feel abandoned by my Self. Other people are only a mirror for how we feel about ourselves.
I smile with tears in my eyes because, have I not met me? I’m one of the kindest, most loving, most worthy, most ENOUGH people I know!
Why don’t I know how I amazing I am?
Take a deep breath Nelao.
This is a process. These are layers. It takes time to peel back, acknowledge, dissect, and heal the effects of self abuse. You are getting there. You’ve come such a long way.
The journey continues.